Seokjin: 30 August Year 22

She seemed embarrassed when she saw the diary she thought she had lost. Her favorite movie, the places she wanted to go, her favorite flower, and the future she was dreaming of appeared with each turn of the page. Also, some it of was things I had done for her. I couldn’t apologize. The red diary, like a stoplight, lay between us.

 

I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to be a good person. I thought it would be like that if I just followed the words in the diary. But it wasn’t. The more I tried to become someone else, the more I became fearful. Would she discover the real me? Would she be disappointed and leave? Frantically, I hid myself and turned away from me. But just like how you can’t put a period on a sentence missing a subject, the me that lost myself lingered in place and couldn’t go any further.

 

Now I know. The disappointing and mistake-ridden failure me is obviously a part of myself. No matter how brutal and agonizing it is, I have to be honest with myself in order to take the next step forward. I finally rose from the spot I was stuck in, but she didn’t hold on to me.

 

I came out onto the street and took off my hat. As I ran my fingers through my hair, all the times I tried to be someone else escaped me. I turned my head and my eyes met my reflection in the window. Dry face, pale lips, lean shoulders. I looked infinitely shabby. I smiled. The me in the window followed.

 

@shootinghearts_