Yoongi: 29 July Year 22

Why is it that the melody keeps coming into my head only after losing my accompanying guitar player? I stared at the piano laying on the other side of the room from where I was buried into my couch. There was a time when I threw away my mother’s piano key after getting expelled from school. I threw the partially burnt piano key, the only thing left from our home that was destroyed by a fire, out of the apartment window with all of my strength. I thought that was the end. I told myself over and over again that I would never touch a piano again.

 

Early the next morning, I ran down the down the stairs as fast as I could, unable to wait for the elevator. I thought I fell asleep for just a moment, but the sun was already starting to come out. I thought of what happened the night before. There was nothing in the flowerbed below my window. The security guard told me that a garbage collecting truck had just come through a little earlier. And just like that, I lost my mother’s piano key. 

 

After that day, I gave up on music countless times. "I won’t do it. Don’t come back. Music is nothing." But, I knew it even as I was running away. Just like when I was skipping steps running down the stairs, I knew I would start music again. Music was that kind of subject for me. It was agonizing being inside music, but it was also freeing. It was chaos but also clarity. Inside fear and courage, inside hope and despair, it felt like I was living inside all these conflicting emotions. 

 

I suddenly wanted to play the piano. I was just pretending to be strong on the inside, but the reality is I wanted to meet the fearful and cowardly me. I wanted to curse him out, mock him, hurt him, attack him, hug him, and cry. And I didn’t want to run. I wanted to complete the melody that we started with guitar and piano. It felt like I could really do it this time.    

 

@shootinghearts_