Taehyung: 20 May Year 22

I looked down at my hands. They were smeared with blood. My legs suddenly had no strength. I was about to fall to the ground, but someone held me up from behind. Foggy sunlight came in through the window. My sister was crying, and Hoseok was silently standing. The furniture and blanket were messily scattered about like usual. There was no one in the place where my father was standing before. I don’t remember how and when he left the room.

 

The uncontrollable anger and sadness from when I attacked my father remained intact inside me. I don’t know what held me back when I was trying to stab him. My heart was going crazy, and I didn’t know how to soothe it. It’s not that I was trying to kill my father, I just wanted to die. I would die in this moment if it was possible. I didn’t even cry. I wanted to cry, wanted to yell, wanted to kick and break and destroy everything, and I wanted to be destroyed. But I couldn’t do any of those things.

 

“Hoseok. I’m sorry. I’m fine, so you can leave.” Unlike the turmoil in my heart, my voice came out dryly. It didn’t feel like my voice. I sent away Hoseok, a friend that rarely leaves, and looked down at my palm. Blood was oozing out of the white bandage. Instead of stabbing my father, I smashed an alcohol bottle on the ground. I cut my hand when the bottle shattered. The world spinned as I closed my eyes. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, or how to live. When I snapped out of it, I was looking down at Namjoon’s phone number. Even in this situation too, no, because I was in this situation, I was desperate for Namjoon’s existence. I wanted to talk to him. Namjoon. I almost killed my father, my father who created me, my father who beats me like he’s beating a dog. I really almost killed him. No, in truth I’ve killed him. I’ve killed him numerous times. I’ve killed him in my heart more times than I can count. I want to kill him. I want to die. I don’t know what I should do now, or anything at all. Namjoon. It’s just that I wish I could see you right now.

 

@shootinghearts_